-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tortess Finds My [ ]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: tortess@panix.com (Tortess)
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity
Subject: Re: Masters of Deception(MOD) / New P..
Date: 11 Feb 1995 10:14:38 -0500
Organization: Netland Park

Bill Wilkinson (70325.1137@CompuServe.COM) wrote:
: Tortess responded:

: >-- 
: >Gesundheit.

: Sorry.  Here's a Bounty(TM).  Wipe that stuff off your face.

TORTESS:  Thanks, pal.  

    [Tortess takes towel, wipes face. Tortess looks into 
    towel after wiping face.  Raising first one eyebrow,
    then another, a look of confusion emerges on Tortess's
    formerly-shmeared face.] 

TORTESS:  You know, Bill, this stuff looks vaguely familiar.

70325.1137@COMPUSERVE.COM:  Yeah?  Not to me.  What is it?

TORTESS:  Well, I mean, haven't you ever seen this before?

     [Bill peeks into paper towel, looking quizzical but
     skeptical.]

B.HILLS90210@COMPUSERVE.COM: Naw, I never seen THAT before.  Why? What is 
it?

TORTESS:  Bill.  

     [Tortess sighs.]

TORTESS:  B-i-i-i-i-i-i-ill.  You've never seen this before? Never 
ever?  Ever?  

     [Tortess opens paper towel completely, revealing mess 
     within.  Bill leans in for a closer look.  Suddenly, a tear forms in 
     Bill's left eye.  Then another one in his right.  Then another one in 
     his middle eye.]

ICUP@COMPUSERVE.COM:  Oh, Tortess!  Could it be?  Is it for real?  Is 
that really my --

TORTESS:  Yes, Bill, I think so.  I think it's really your --

[TORTESS AND BILL TOGETHER]:  [  ]!!!!!!!!!!

    [The two hug joyfully, tearfully, Bill is crying openly now, reunited 
    at long last with his [ ], Tortess weeps emotionally for playing a part 
    in the reunion, the news media gather at the door, cameras flashing, 
    reporters scribbling, Larry King is on the phone, President Clinton 
    has appeared to shake Bill's hand for the cameras.]

98204.9467@PENTIUM.COM:  [Clearing his throat.]  I would like to thank all 
the people who made this possible, starting with my parents, who gave 
birth to me -- no, wait.  Starting with all four of my grandparents who 
gave birth to them -- no, wait.  Starting with all eight of my great-  
-- NO!  All Sixteen of --, no.  First I would like to thank Adam and Even, 
and then...

   [Reporters look confused; Larry King sighs; president leaves and is 
   replaced by VP.]

6-OF-1@CONFUSINGU.COM:  ...Mention should also be made of Mrs.  
Worthington, my fourth grade flute teacher, who taught me everything I 
know about particle physics.  And let's not forget the McGuire sisters, 
all eleven of them,  let's see, there was Mary McGuire, and Melissa 
McGuire, and Marjorie McGuire and Melinda McGuire and...

   [Media becoming itchy, VP leaves and sends white house intern to 
   replace him]

2468@ODDNO.COM:  ...And Matilda McGuire and Maryanne McGuire...

   [Reporters playing gameboys, Tortess snoring, intern gets job as 
   congressional page, is replaced by cleaning lady.]

5551212@WHOIS.COM  ...Which brings me to the invention of the tuning fork 
and its effect on upper respiratory ailments in mammals of the antarctic...

   [Room beginning to empty, Bill continues, speaking primarily to the 
   ceiling. Night falls.  Tortess tossing and turning. Cleaning lady 
   finishes cleaning, leaves.  Bill and Tortess are alone...once again.]

[ ]LESS@COMPUSERVE.COM:  ...And so to all, I say, "Thank you."

   [Seeing nobody left, Bill turns hopefully to Tortess, who sits against 
   a wall wearing a look of disgust and pity.]

BILLWILKINSON@COMPUSERVE.COM:  My, and they didn't even close the door 
when they left.  It's chilly in here, don't you think?  
A...ah....ahCHOO!  Excuse me.

TORTESS: Gesundheit.

BILLCLUEKEEPER@COMPUSERVE.COM:  Here, here's a Bounty[tm].  Wipe that off 
your face.

     [Exit Bill stage left.  Tortess walks slowly, mournfully, downstage 
     and addresses the audience.]

TORTESS:  And so, you see, it wasn't a [ ] that Bill needed afterall.  
For once reunited with his [ ], he was the same old Bill he was before.  
To be truly happy, Bill needs to look within for his [ ].  It is a [ ] of 
the heart which makes a man happy.

Thank you. 




*  *  *  *  *  *  *

-- 
Gesundheit.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This _thing_ just kinda grew.  Both of us were trying to figure
out how to escape from it. I think it originally had something to
do with Bob Vila.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

William Wilkinson (wxwilki@borg.uswc.uswest.com) spake:
: tortess@panix.com (Tortess) suggested:
: :Bill Wilkinson (wxwilki@lookout) at long last ended the madness? by writing:
: :: Tortess (tortess@panix.com) threatened:
: :: : William Wilkinson (wxwilki@borg.uswc.uswest.com) valiantly scribed:
: :: : : tortess@panix.com (Tortess) tried for the last word:
: :: : : :Bill Wilkinson (wxwilki@lookout) cascaded:
: :: : : :: Tortess (tortess@panix.com) elaborated:
: :: : : :: : William Wilkinson (wxwilki@borg.uswc.uswest.com) wilked:
: :: : : :: : : tortess@panix.com (Tortess) ranted:
: :: : : :: : : :Bill Wilkinson (wxwilki@lookout) made:
: :: : : :: : : :: Tortess (tortess@panix.com) scribbled:
: :: : : :: : : :: : William Wilkinson (wxwilki@borg.uswc.uswest.com) just HAD to write:
: :: : : :: : : :: : : tortess@panix.com (Tortess) writes:
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :Bill Wilkinson (wxwilki@lookout) added:
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: Tortess (tortess@panix.com) wrote:
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : William Wilkinson (wxwilki@borg.uswc.uswest.com) wrote:
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : tortess@panix.com (Tortess) writes:
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :Bill Wilkinson (70325.1137@CompuServe.COMoo l) wrote:
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :: tortess@panix.com (Tortess) instructed:

: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :: >Here's what you do:
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :: Okay, tell me.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :Okay, here goes.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : Where?
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : Huh?
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: Uh-huh.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :Oh.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : Yup.
: :: : : :: : : :: : mmmm....
: :: : : :: : : :: aaahhhhhh.
: :: : : :: : : :Ouch. Hey!
: :: : : :: : : Sorry.
: :: : : :: : Yeah, you're ALWAYS sorry.
: :: : : :: But I mean it this time.
: :: : : :Okay, one more chance. Mmmmmm.....
: :: : : Mmmmmmm??????
: :: : Oy, oy, oy....?
: :: Oh boy!
: :"Oh, bye?"
: I guess.  The audience is getting restless.
Actually, the audience is getting...absent.  That was them who said "bye."

: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :: >First, eat Bob Villa.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :: Yech!  No thank you.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :Sorry.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : S'okay.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : Huh?
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: S'allright.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :Sez you.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : Gesundheit.
: :: : : :: : : :: : Thank me.
: :: : : :: : : :: Bless thee.
: :: : : :: : : :Gesundheit, already!
: :: : : :: : : That wasn't a sneeze.
: :: : : :: : That was no sneeze? That was your wife?
: :: : : :: That was no lady?
: :: : : :That's no way to talk about your sneezing wife!
: :: : : That's not my wife.  She's somebody else's wife.
: :: : THAT figures.  Her name isn't VALERIE, now, izzit?
: :: Her name isn't VALERIEnow?  Izzatso!
: :Her name wasn't Ratzo Rizzo, now, wuzzit?
: Whoozat?
Yeah, I loved their first album, "Get the Whoozat!"

: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :: >Then go to the bathroom,
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :: No thank you!
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :Your loss.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : My toss.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : Thank you, ma'am.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: Huh?
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :Thank you sir?
: :: : : :: : : :: : : You're welcome?
: :: : : :: : : :: : Great: what's for dinner?
: :: : : :: : : :: Stouffer's Bacon Sandwiches (tm).
: :: : : :: : : :NO THANK YOU!
: :: : : :: : : Free Mouth Figurine inside.
: :: : : :: : I agree: free the Mouth Figurines(tm)!
: :: : : :: When the Mouth Figurines run free, we will yak the earth.
: :: : : :I think yakking is what got them in trouble in the first place.
: :: : : Yecch.  The place is a mess!
: :: : Yeah, well you should see Anti-JN's place.
: :: This IS Anti-JN's place.
: :I guess that can only mean one thing: we are Anti JN!
: Beware the Anit JN!  Signs and portents of the last days!
I have beenware the Anit JN for years now. It's the Anti JN that worries me.

: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :: >and make him.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :: NO THANK YOU!!!
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :No thank you WHAT?!
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : No thank you, MA'AM!!
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : No thank you, Valerie.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: My name's not Valerie.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :Yes it is.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : It is too!
: :: : : :: : : :: : Oh yeah?
: :: : : :: : : :: Yeah!!! (hey, waitaminute!)
: :: : : :: : : :SHOOT ME NOW! SHOOT ME NOW!
: :: : : :: : : With this arrow?
: :: : : :: : Ouch. HEY! Again?!
: :: : : :: HEY! Match set.
: :: : : :Point, game, set, shoot, click, SCORE!
: :: : : Ping.
: :: : Finger.
: :: How rude!
: :"Oh, bye?"
: Oh, okay.  Do we leave stage left or right?
Which direction has the least flying organic matter?

: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :: >Thank you.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :: Huh?
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :huh?
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : huh!
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : Thank you.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: Yer welcome.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :ha?
: :: : : :: : : :: : : ha!
: :: : : :: : : :: : HA! (How you feelin'?!)
: :: : : :: : : :: Ho! (Huh?)
: :: : : :: : : :Oh-oh, Spaghettios.
: :: : : :: : : Hi-ho!
: :: : : :: : That's no way to talk to Valerie.
: :: : : :: But she LIKES it that way.
: :: : : :Actually, THAT's what got the Mouth Figurines in trouble.
: :: : : They yakked to Valerie?
: :: : Well, not quite.  I think they yakked ON Valerie.
: :: No, that was cabbage.
: :No, they yakked UP cabbage...ON Valerie.
: Oh, I thought that was that green stuff in the fridge.
I think mebbe you right.

: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :: --Bill
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :Valerie?
: :: : : :: : : :: : : Bill?
: :: : : :: : : :: : Billerie?
: :: : : :: : : :: Tortles?
: :: : : :: : : :Cupcake? Oh, sorry, wrong cascade.
: :: : : :: : : Bottles?
: :: : : :: : Scruples? Not Responsible!
: :: : : :: Is Scruples responsible?
: :: : : :Dunno, can't find mine to ask 'em. Seen yours?
: :: : : I think they rolled under the couch.
: :: : No, that would be me, looking for quarters to pay the rent.
: :: Find anything?
: :Nothing but a great straight line...which I'll give back.
: It's not mine.
Oh, well in that case: found some bacon, some corn, and a [].

: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :Thank you.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : Yer welcome, ma'am.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : Huh?!
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: Yer welcome, Valerie.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :Who's Valerie?
: :: : : :: : : :: : : How'd you find out?
: :: : : :: : : :: : Who else knows?
: :: : : :: : : :: alt.stupidity
: :: : : :: : : :Idiots.
: :: : : :: : :  \|/
: :: : : :: : : -POP-  Hi!
: :: : : :: : :  /|\
: :: : : :: : Wellp! Gang's all here!
: :: : : :: Shoo!  Shoo!  Go out and play!
: :: : : :Wait...they come HERE to play...
: :: : : Oh, okay.  Valerie, keep an eye on them, will ya?
: :: : I think Val's indisposed at the moment.
: :: You mean...she's "making Bob?"
: :Wasn't that redundant, "making Bob"?
: Hrmmm...mebbe you right...
I usually be right.

: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :: >-- 
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :: >Gesundheit.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :: Thank you.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :huh?
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : achoo!
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : Who?
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: The little guys.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :You mean ... the kids?
: :: : : :: : : :: : : Not Responsible!
: :: : : :: : : :: : That's not what Valerie sez...
: :: : : :: : : :: Which Valerie???
: :: : : :: : : :Oh, I'll bet she'll be THRILLED to hear THAT.
: :: : : :: : : You misspelled "they'll."  HTH.
: :: : : :: : She'll be thrilled to hear they'll??? Huh?
: :: : : :: It's the way I pronounce it.
: :: : : :Don't you pronounce "it" to rhyme with "bit"?
: :: : : Yes, but I pronounce "bit" to rhyme with "."
: :: : Okay, so what does "." rhyme with?
: :: "They'll."
: :Bullshthey'll.  Hrmmm...mebbe you right...
: Wasn't that redundant, "Bullshtey'll."?
That's not redundant, that's my wife.

: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :-- 
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : :Gesundheit.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : Thank you.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : Huh?
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: You know, Mouth Figurines (TM).
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :Is Valerie a Mouth Figurine (tm)?
: :: : : :: : : :: : : Ahhh....well...
: :: : : :: : : :: : That's disGUSTing.
: :: : : :: : : :: Sorry.  Borrow your hanky?
: :: : : :: : : :OK, but no hanky panky with Valerie.
: :: : : :: : : What's a panky?
: :: : : :: : The other Valerie.
: :: : : :: Oh.
: :: : : :Great. Bet they'll be thrilled to hear THAT, TOO.
: :: : : Who's "they'll?"
: :: : No, no.  First, I say: "Knock, knock!"
: :: Okay.  Say it.
: :"They'll."
: "." what?
"." huh?

: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : : --Bill (learning to be polite)
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : Huh?
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: That's me!
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :THEN WHO'S VALERIE ?!?!?
: :: : : :: : : :: : : Look, it was only one time.
: :: : : :: : : :: : But was it good for me, too?
: :: : : :: : : :: Valerie, is that you?
: :: : : :: : : :Cupcake? (I think this is the right cascade...)
: :: : : :: : : Chocolate Kate?  It IS you!
: :: : : :: : Yes. Why's Keylime talking to a lamp?
: :: : : :: He wants a little panky.
: :: : : :He'd better put Valerie on a diet then.
: :: : : He'll probably force-feed her corn.
: :: : Ahhh...so you ARE from Boise after all!
: :: No, Omaha. No wait. Denver. No. The Shadows. Yeah, the Shadows.
: :Mrlin? Marlin Perkins? It IS you!
: No, no, no.  He's a few blocks away.
That's what YOU think. I happen to KNOW he's at Valerie's house right now.

: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: : Gesundheit.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :: Boboli.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : :Bobvilla.
: :: : : :: : : :: : : Bobbit?
: :: : : :: : : :: : Dammit!
: :: : : :: : : :: Oops.
: :: : : :: : : :Pooped?
: :: : : :: : : Bobvilla.
: :: : : :: : CLOSURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
: :: : : :: SEIZURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
: :: : : :CASHIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
: :: : : GESUNDHEIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
: :: : BAROMETRIC PRESSURE!!!!!!!!!!
: :: EXPLOSIVE DECOMPRESSION!!!!!!!!
: :MUTUAL CONCESSIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
: SIGNED CONFESSIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEUTCHMARK SWAPTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

: :: : : :: : : :: : : --Bill (ouch!)
: :: : : :: : : :: : --Swell (couch!)
: :: : : :: : : :: Thank you.
: :: : : :: : : :Thank YOU, Valerie.
: :: : : :: : : Don't mention it.
: :: : : :: : Mention what, the cou -- ooops!
: :: : : :: Let me help you up, ma'am.
: :: : : :Don't TOUCH me again, you CRAZY PERSON!
: :: : : I didn't mean to push you!
: :: : Tell it to the judge.
: :: Know any good lawyers?
: :My Boss is a --- er--was a pretty good lawyer. RIP.
: So what's the number of Dewey, Cheatam and Howe law offices?
Why, Tortess at panix dot com, of course.

: :: : : :: : : :: : -- 
: :: : : :: : : :: : Gesundheit.
: :: : : :: : : :: Freiheit.
: :: : : :: : : :Zeitgeist.
: :: : : :: : : :: --Bill (full height)
: :: : : :: : : :So the mouth figurines tell me...
: :: : : :: : : You got talking mouth figurines?
: :: : : :: : Yours DON'T talk?!
: :: : : :: They kept starting fights.
: :: : : :Just tell the little jerks to shut up.
: :: : : Never again!
: :: : Don't let them walk all over you like that.
: :: But it's so relaxing.
: :But the ones in heels are leaving little pock-marks all over your back!
: Oh!  And I thought those holes were from the shotgun!
Understandable mistake, since the first three rows of the audience are armed.

: :: : : :: : : :: --
: :: : : :: : : :: wxwilki@lookout.ecte.uswc.uswest.com - Disclaimer: Not Responsible!
: :: : : :: : : :                                                     ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
: :: : : :: : : :Valerie #1 tells a different tale...
: :: : : :: : : A tale told by an idiot...
: :: : : :: : Now you made them cry.
: :: : : :: There, there.  Give 'em a brick on a stick.
: :: : : :No, no, no! No "borrowing" from Songs about Masturbation.
: :: : : Well, give'm some bacon then.
: :: : Okay, borrowing from the Supremes is allowed.
: :: Well, give'm bacon and crackers then.
: :"Let them eat bacon and crackers." Yes. It has a nice ring to it...
: Uh, Tortess?  The audience is starting to throw things...
OUCH! Now you tell me?

: :: : : :: : : :Gesundheit.
: :: : : :: : : Good night.
: :: : : :: : Good fight!
: :: : : :: Food fight!
: :: : : :Urban Blight?
: :: : : Urban Goddess?
: :: : Green Goddess?
: :: Green Jeans?
: :Spleen beans?
: No, spoiled tomatoes and cabbages.  Duck!
I've never heard of duck prepared that way, but if you say so...

: :: : : :: : : --Bill (oh, alright)
: :: : : :: : yeahright.
: :: : : :: Stage fright.
: :: : : :Go bite.
: :: : : Space flight.
: :: : Stalagtite.
: :: Hold tight.
: :You were supposed to say "stalagmite."
: There's no time to argue!
Wabbit season! SHOOT ME NOW!! SHOOT ME NOW!! Hey -- waitaminute...

: :: : : :: --Bill (: Gesundheit.)
: :: : : ::                     ^^
: :: : : :: There's that Popeye smiley again...
: :: : : : You misspelled Papa Smiley, Legba's dad. HTH.
: :: : : You misspelled "Floyd."  Ha ha ha ha.
: :: : I think you're right!
: :: But it DID help.
: :Yes. I owe you.
: You can pay me later!
I CAN PAY YOU NOW!  Hey -- waitaminute!...

: :: : : :: --
: :: : : :: wxwilki@lookout.ecte.uswc.uswest.com - Disclaimer: Not Responsible!
: :: : : :Prove it.
: :: : : Probe what?
: :: : No wonder Valerie's had it with you.
: :: She's had "it" with half of alt.stupidity.
: :Ooooooooh! You go, girl!
: Hey Tortess, wait for me!
Um...are we talking about the same thing here?

: :: : : --Bill
: :: : Phil?
: :: Elmo Lincoln?
: :Elmer's glue?
: Tortess?  Tortess?
TORTESS?!?!?!?!!!!!

: (angry mob with pitchforks and torches converge on bill)
(Tortess escapes through a side exit, leaps into Bill's waiting 
limosine, and shouts "to Bob's villa! Step on it!" as police descend on 
the thee-ay-tuh.)

-- 
Gesundheit.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tortess Loses Her Only Fan
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this broken fan in my office, which blows really
forcefully, but has no "low" setting.

I took off the outer protective cage (the wire cover) and
removed one of the blades of the fan.  I turned the fan back on. 
It vibrated really violently until it jiggled and shimmied right 
of the window sill and onto the floor.

It broke.

So I picked it up and threw it out the window.  It made a huge
crashing sound when it landed on the trunk of a car parked 22 
stories below.  

Now I don't have that problem where the fan blows too forcefully
anymore.

Hope this helps all those with a similar problem.

-- 
Gesundheit.


----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cook this recipe, eat it, and wash it down with a TRUE YETI.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Eggy, eggy pie
Date: 28 Nov 1995 22:38:52 -0500
Organization: Netland Park
Lines: 43
Message-ID: <49gkkc$pa9@panix3.panix.com>
NNTP-Posting-Host: panix3.panix.com
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]

Hoilday recipe:

Friends, your colleagues in the neighboring cubicles will love you for 
this one.  Here's a little secret holiday recipe I've put together over 
the years.  I call it Tort-eggs' delight.  You will, too.  Here's what 
you'll need:

4 eggs
1 nog
1  quart egg nog
no bog
2  dozen eggs
3 eggs
about 3 pounds butter (peeled and finely chopped)
2 tablespoons horse radish
1 large brick oven (can use blender instead)
dental floss

HOW TO MAKE BATTER:

On a large, flat, round surface, such as a sundial without the middle 
part, or the diameter of a globe, mix the eggs, nog, egg nog, 
egg, and cucumber.

When the mixture is yellow and runny, add eggs and stir rapidly.  Mix 
well.  Blend thoroughly.  Beat it; just beat it.

Make sure that you are only using the egg yolks.  If you have used the 
egg whites, you will need to throw the batter out and start again.

Add chocoalte chips to taste.

When you have completed the above steps, put the mixture into a large bag 
and bake it at 400 degrees for about a week and a half.

Eat, enjoy, be sick.  Clean up the bathroom floor.  Recycle.


	Let me know how your's comes out!

-- 
Gesundheit.

Thank-you, Tortess.

If you readers got to this place from the Stupid People page, then click on that highlighted link that your eyes just rolled past.

If you were reading those stupid recipes, then click here.