What I Like to Cook!

Picture of a Smiley with a wry smile. Hi! Many of us in the alt.stupidity newsfroup like to cook. Here is my collection of some of our recipes. All comments are the shefs unless they're in those little letters that are slanted like this. Those are mostly mine.

Unless noted otherwise, that is.

Noted Otherwise: I'm now adding recipes from the alt.smouldering.dog.zone group. They are a nice bunch of people with whom those of us in the alt.stupidity.spatch froup have established diplomatic ties. (For more information, see the alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ.)

Baked French Onion Soup
Crispy Chunks O' Ramen
Crockpot Chile Verde
Duck Soup
Eggy, Eggy Pie
Fruit Cake
Hot Crunchy Bread
Kick-Ass Salad Dressing
Marconi & Cheese
Norske Blubber
Nuked Keylime
Peanut Butter Surprise
Smashed Potatoes
Tortilla Delight
Yummy New Treat!

Baked French Onion Soup -- Wayne's Mom - 13 February 2000

Yo, Bill! There isn't a place to "submit" on your web page! Recipes, Bill, recipes. Anyhow, here's mine for Baked French Onion Soup.

- Ingredients -

- Instructions -
  1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Combine onions, wine (2 cups, drink the other) and butter in a 9 by 12 inch baking pan. Bake until the onion is very soft, and most of the liquid is absorbed, about 45 minutes. Might want to turn them a couple of times during baking.
  2. Bring broth to a simmer. Add the Worcester sauce, and thyme. Throw the onions in and simmer for about 5 minutes more, or an hour if your husband/wife is late. Just before putting the soup in a crock to bake, add the sherry. Wouldn't want to cook all of the alcohol out, unless you're AA, then you can add it before you simmer it.
  3. Ladle soup into an oven proof crock. Place a slice of pumpernickle on top of each, and then add the shredded cheese. Put on the middle rack in the oven and broil until the cheese is melted.
When you eat this soup, you will think it's better than anything you've ever had in your life. Unless you've met me, that is ;)

I'm kidding!!!


Crispy Chunks O' Ramen -- Spatch - 7 April 1995

This (David Futrelle's Tortilla Delight) reminds me very little of Spatch's Crispy Chunks O' Ramen recipe:

Save the flavor packet for when the kid down the hall comes to your door stoned out of his gourd and asks for something to eat. Give him the flavor packet and tell him it's lobster. Heehee, works every time!

Crockpot Chile Verde -- Michael Roach - 27 October 2000

1 onion
1 green bell pepper
4 garlic cloves
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 four ounce can diced green chilis
4 jalapeno chili peppers
6 large tomatillos and 1 very small one
3 pounds pork sirloin
1 bacon
2 teaspoons oregano
2 teaspoons sage
1 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon (or about 2 packets of Pizza Hut) crushed red pepper
1 can defatted chicken broth
1 six-pack of Budweiser longnecks

Wait until at least 9pm. Coarsely chop onion and bell pepper. Chugabeer.
Mince garlic. Saute onion, bell pepper, and garlic in olive oil. Throw
into crockpot. Chugabeer. Add can diced green chilis to crockpot. Dice
jalapenos and add to crockpot. Chugabeer. Remove husks from tomatillos,
coarsely chop, add to crockpot and chugabeer. Cube pork, chugabeer,
brown pork and toss into crockpot. Add spices, chicken broth, 1/2 bottle
of beer and chugahalfabeer. Feed bacon to dog. Set crockpot on low and
cook overnight. Skim fat from the top in the morning and feed to cat.
Take pot to office, plug back in, set on low for two hours, and feed to
strangely dressed co-workers.
"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman
she meets and then teams up with three complete stangers to kill again."
	- TV listing for the "Wizard of Oz" in a Marin, CA newspaper.

Duck Soup -- Bill Wilkinson - 23 August 1996

1.  Throw a duck into a pot of water.

              U  ---- Quack
         \  _____  /
         /         \
        /           \
       (             )
        \           /
         \         /

2.  With a match, light the gasoline-soaked logs and boil 
    for a couple of hours.

              U  ---- ACK!      
             _|_                //
         ___/___\___           //
         \  _____  /          //
         /         \      (  //
        /           \      )//
      ^(  `'  ^  ` ^ )/    O/
     \ ^\\^|/ '`^ /|/\`
                                              U  ----- croak
3.  Turn off the fire and throw out the duck._|_
                                            /   \
                                   . .     /|   |\
                                .         / |   | \
                             .             /|  /
                         . SWISH!         / \_/
                       .                 /   /
                  .  .                 |/  |/
         \  _____  /
         /         \
        /           \
       (             )
        \           /
         \         /

4.  Duck Soup!

           (.) (.)
         _         _
          \_____ _/
                 !         _____      \
         ___________      (___  \      \
         \  _____  /    _____/   \______\
         /         \   (___
        /           \ (____
       (             ) (___      ___________
        \           /  (________/
         \         /

Fruit Cake Recipe -- steersdd@cc.memphis.edu -- 2 January 1995

Here is Pitchar's favourite recipe for fruit cake.

You'll need the following:  a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four 
large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a 
teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a 
bottle of whisky.  

   Sample the whisky to check for quality.

   Take a large bowl.  Check the whisky again.  To be sure it is the 
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.  Repeat.  Turn on the 
electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add 
one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.  

   Make sure the whisky is still okay.  Cry another tup.  Turn off 
the mixer.  Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup 
of dried fruit.  Mix on the turner.  If the fried druit gets stuck 
in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.  

   Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.  Next, sift two cups 
of salt. Or something.  Who cares?  Check the whisky.  Now sift the 
lemon juice and strain your nuts.  Add one table.  Spoon.  Of sugar 
or something.  Whatever you can find.  

   Grease the oven.  Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.  Don't forget 
to beat off the turner.  Throw the bowl out of the window, check the 
whisky again and go to bed.  
 This program posts news to thousands of machines throughout the entire civil-
ized world.  Your message will cost   _\|/_  the net hundreds if not thousands  
of dollars to send everywhere. Please {@ @} be sure you know what you are doing 
                       Keep a cool and have a good Weekend!

Hot Crunchy Bread! -- David Futrelle - 8 April 1995

  1. Remove two slices of bread (sliced) from loaf.
  2. Put in toaster (alternate: put in toaster oven).
  3. Toast the bread.
  4. Remove. Serve with butter and jelly (optional). (Grape Jelly is preferred; petroleum jelly is hard to clean off the knife.)
Alternate recipe:

Replace steps 2 and 3 with: Leave bread on radiator overnight.

MMMM tasty!

Kick-Ass Salad Dressing -- Tortess - 22 August 1996


What you'll need:

- Ingredients -

- Equipment -

   get:  wisk; wisk broom; WISK detergent; a spatula (the kind you 
         cook with, not the kind you engage in witty (sometimes) 
         reparte; meat thermometer, ampitheater themometer, 4 band 
         aids, no m's, no boogers; an elevator expense account; a 
         nine-inch random bell sucker; four thoughtless release 
         extenders; a fragarch rocket and fragarach rocket battery 
         pack; 4 sticks dynamite, semANtec explosive, swiss army 
         butter; mom total internal fruvous pick-up (12-volt); 
         grape-flavored dirt devil canonizer; and a worrisome badger
         prong. No menus, please.

-- Gesundheit.

LUTEFISK The best we all know -- The Last Viking - 13 October 1996

Norwegians and Swedes has eaten lutefisk for ages, but not as much and as often as now. In some groups it has almost become a kind of cult-food, there are groups that only works for lutefisk, and resturants are selling more and more of it now, towards xmas. And "everyone" has an opinion of what the best things served to the fish is.

We just say, choose to eat it with lefse, with mandel- or ringerikepotatoes, with green beans, purert or stuffed. Use mustard of the kind you like most, choose ribb- or baconfat, whitesauce or mustardsauce, as you wish. Add maple or brown cheese with the 2'nd serving - or whatever you might want. The most important thing is that the fish is well tasting. Atleast that is my opinion.

Use 400-500g lutefisk and 1/2ts salt for each person. Sprinkle the fish. If you want the fish to be extra solidated, then put it in fresh water for a couple of hours.


Set the oven on 225'C. The put the fish with the skinside down in a long pan or a form. Salt or pepper it with white pepper. Cover up with butterpaper or aluminium paper. Cook it on the lowermost self for 40-50 minutes, dependent on the thickness of the fish. Remove the water in the bottom.


Put the fish in a wide pan. Put the salt over it or grained white pepper. It isn't necessary to add water. Let the fish enjoy itself there for 20-25 minutes.


(2-3 servings)

1 kilo of lutefisk and 2 ts salt.

Put the lutefisk in a round form, made for microwave ovens. Place the tickest piece on the edge. Have salt and pepper over it. Use full effect on the micro for 10-12 minutes. Turn the form halfway during the cooking. The fish must rest for 5 minutes after beeing cooked. Remove the water in the bottom.

Marconi & Cheese -- Bill Wilkinson - 6 April 1995

Spatch's comments are shown in red.

At this moment,

I'm nuking a Stouffer's® Marconi & Cheese something-or-other

(20 oz size).

Then I'm going to eat it.


Norske Blubber Recipe -- Brett McInnes - 11 June 1996

Visp egg og sukker lett og porøst, rør smøret hvitt og kremaktig

og ha

det i eggedosisen under kraftig omrøring. Sikt til sist melet i. Stek




Nuked Keylime -- Keylime - 8 April 1995

Hello, my dear stupidians. Today, I'm coming to you from inside Bill Wilkinson's microwave. There is a Stouffer's (R) Marconi [sic] & Cheese something-or-other beside me. It's been getting really hot in here, and I can't think too clearly. I'm not really sure what's going on. My skin is getting extra crispy and my blood is beginning to boil. I must be getting the flu. Anyway, I hope Bill doesn't mind that I ate his Mac & Cheese. It wasn't very good. He should stop buying those generic brands.

Oh boy, I'm really sweating up a storm in here. This is getting unbearable. My left leg just melted. Someone tell Bill to let me outta here. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Peanut Butter Surprise -- two7sclash - 3 May 2005

  1. Mix ingredients, repeat
  2. add the rest of the ingredients, don't repeat this time.
  3. Flambe' in a broiler til poacged (sp?)
  4. garnish wryly
Serves you right

Smashed Potatoes -- Allrightythen - 18 June 2007

If you take a bag of potato chips and add some water, then run over it a few times with your car, you get mashed potatoes. Well, not really mashed potatoes, mainly just some soggy potato chips smeared on the road, and they taste really bad, but maybe no one will notice.

Socks -- Tortess - 30 April 1996

Try this fun and simple recipe!

You'll need:


1.  Take the old socks and put them aside for now.  They are disgusting
    and should not come into contact with food -- that would be 

2.  Taste a crouton.  Is it good?  Then put the rest of the croutons in
    your mouth and chew them up good .  Spit the mixture into a cup and 
    put it aside with the old socks.  It's really disgusting.

3.  Mix the beef and milk.  Ha, ha! You have a reconstituted cow!
    ANother thing you can do is mold the beef into the shape of a cow, 
    and put a straw through the cow's midsection.  Then pour the milk 
    into the top of the straw so it comes out of the bottom of the 
    cow!  Ha, ha - the cow's giving milk!

3.  Go get the crouton-saliva mixture and the socks.  Put the socks 
    on the table.  Hold the doilie firmly in your hands.  Put the 
    pasty croutons back into your mouth, and spit them onto the 
    doilie.  Then strain them through the doilie into pretty patterns 
    on the socks.

4.  Throw everything away, it's a big disgusting mess.


-- Gesundheit.

Tortilla Delight -- David Futrelle - 6 April 1995

Ok, so here's a recipe for David's Tortilla Delight, which I am eating right now!

For David's Tortilla Surprise, replace salsa with motor oil.


TRUE YETI -- alt.stupidity FAQ v2.0000000002 - 7 August 1996

This is the Official Drink of alt.stupidity.

You'll Need:


  1. Mix equal parts of the first seven items into the eighth.
  2. Drink all of it within five minutes.
  3. Wake up on the floor or the ceiling of the Betty Ford Clinic.

Yummy New Treat! -- John Lodder - 24 July 2000

Don't try this at home! Unless you want to!

Bleu Cheese & Curds Soup^H^H^H^HPasta Sauce

  1. Bring vermouth to a boil in a sauce pan, reduce by one half
  2. Add skim milk. Swish (the pan) a bit. Watch yummy curds form!
  3. Bring to boil, add nutmeg & pepper, simmer until reduced by 1/3
  4. Add bleu cheese (including rind) and parmesan. Stir and simmer until bleu cheese is reduced to mostly bits -- the bleu bits will float and the rind bit will melt and what's left of the cheese bits will become more curd- like.
Pour over pasta! Or potatoes! Sop up with bread (but not old socks)!


"Oh, to be in England now that April's there"   --RB
My opinions are mine.  All mine.  Replete with very me.

I gonna be sick!

The above recipes are Copyright © 1995, 1996, 2000, 2005, by the individual authors. Many of these people are high-powered lawyers, writers, green grocers, and other people of evil repute. So you'd better thnik twice before deciding to rip them off and not cutting them in on a big chunk of the action.